Tag Archives: melancholy

I have prayed, cried…where do I go now!?

20 Sep

I am sick but no one can figure out why…I have no energy, no breath, abdominal pain with nausea, computing and diarrhea, hives all over. All I do is sleep – night and day. I am in chronic pain from my 2007 car accident. No one seems to care how I feel. Doctors scoff that if I get admitted it looks bad for them when nothing can be found; ER doctors refuse outright to treat chronic pain – they are too busy for that. Finally saw a rheumatologist…testing for lupus. No answers yet. Always waiting.

I wish I lived in the time of ancient Egypt. Yes, times were tough as evidenced by the myriad of diseases and injuries on mummies. But there was no secret….you were ill, you had angered someone (a God/dess perhaps), you did your penance, you took the healing potion and if it worked, great! The Gods had looked formidably upon you! If not, you got worse and died.

Is that my fate? Have I not lit enough candles, chanted the correct lines, asked the correct God/dess for their assistance!? I say a prayer to Bast everyday – she is my spiritual mother. I know she hears and she answers.

I know I have done wrong things and have made amends. I am trying homeopathic medication now – nothing else seems to work. Why not? Can’t hurt! I was a good nurse, one of the best around here – nurses still tell me that when they are taking care of me. Nice to hear.

i just want to know what’s wrong with me and get it fixed – is that too much to ask? Lady Bast, take pity on me and show me your mercy. I’d just like to be able to move around my house without getting sick, or go out with friends again without begging off when they get here. Lady Bast, I ask for your favor, as your humble servant. Dua Bast!

 

Depression

28 Jun

My first post and it’s a downer. My life has been in turmoil since 2/7/07 when I was in a severe car accident – NOT MY FAULT – high speed, head on. Totally preventable. Male in a hurry and exasperated at guy in front if him, hit the gas, hit the grit at the side if the road and flew into me. Fortunately, there was an excellent witness who waited for the sheriff. But my life changed in an instant, just when things were looking pretty good.
I was an RN (still am), working under a variety of titles, wearing several hats as it were, at a small, family-owned long term care facility for psychiatric patients. I had found my niche and loved the job, of course.
I was on my way to work, doing the speed limit and wearing my seat belt. Listening to Journey on the CD player in my red Buick. Happy. Comfortable. Slightly upset that I missed my husband, Jerry, that AM – he got held up at the fire department and I had to go as I was working the floor that 7-3 shift.
Apparently 7am came and went and I never showed up – totally out of character for me. The night nurse called my house – no answer. She called the Director of Nursing, Jane, who reached my husband and got him started tracing my route.
A horrible thing happened to him that day too – he traveled down River Road and was met with a road block – all the sheriff would tell him was that there had been an accident – serious. I can’t imagine the panic that went through him and the cold chill that set in. He finally asked if a red Buick was involved and received the answer he didn’t want to hear…yes, that’s the car. Yes, that’s your wife being taken to the nearest hospital by ambulance to board ReAct – the helicopter transport service.
I lost 7 days – don’t remember a thing after I left the house. Had multiple serious injuries – 25 broken bones, including an open fracture of my tibia and fibula in the left calf, complete fracture if my left femur, many compression fractures in my back, ribs broken, pelvis broken. As I lay in the ER, my husband was trying to be calm and get there – all the while chanting to himself: “Don’t let it be a head injury.” My life had changed – totally – but I didn’t realize it then. Had emergency surgery that day. Stayed in the hospital two weeks then a nursing home for three months for therapy. Gave me a whole new perspective, being the patient.
Then home. My husband had sat up the day bed as a bed downstairs, brought down nightgowns and necessities from upstairs. I now had a walker and a wheelchair! Couldn’t use the walker yet because I had an open wound on my calf.
I became a different person that day that I got home – finally! I was disabled and in pain that was relentless. My RN career was over. My ability to perform any kind of household task or marriage “task” had become an impossibility. I had never had a serious injury and I was in my late 40s. Doctors visits became a regular thing – still are.
But I realized, once I arrived home to my kitties (Salt and Pepper – yes, one black, one white) and my Jerry, that something within me had changed spiritually.
I was a practitioner of Wicca/Witchcraft (much to my parents’ dismay) with my celebrations of the ancient Egyptian god/desses. For years, my patron deity, who was always with me in times of sorrow, pain and joyous times as well. He is Anubis, the jackal-headed god. He was the god to whom I prayed and received guidance; since junior high school. But suddenly he was in the background.
As I got used to being home, it was obvious that my another deity (or Netjer as we call them) was with me. A nurturing, joyous entity. She is Bast (or Bastet), the cat goddess of ancient Egypt. I didn’t know much of Her as my attention had always been with Anubis. But there was this female voice in my head, cheering me on, being very motherly, comforting. She remains with me today – in fact, I have gone through a ceremony in the Kemetic Orthodox religion during which our Nisut meditates and we learn who our spiritual parents are.
I had that done last year – a truly amazing experience! I learned my parents are Anubis and Bast (yeah!!!), and I am beloved of Isis, Sekhmet, Set and HeruWar. Wow! Very cool.
But today, I still struggle with severe pain in my back and left leg. Still using a walker in the house and a wheelchair out in the world because it hurts so darn much to go far – my leg can’t take it – my left foot had severe nerve damage as a result of the accident so I can’t feel it in space, making walking difficult. And my back feels like it is collapsing when I walk very far.
The pain is relentless. Nights are the worst – I can’t relax because I know the pain is building. I sleep 2-3 hours a night, and, if lucky 2 hours during the day. I cry a lot – frustrated, depressed because of life changes that I wasn’t prepared for, suicidal at times because I don’t want to live like this! This – this disabled invalid with the handicap placard for her cat is so not me! I am tired if sitting while my husband works a full-time job, comes home and cooks and cleans (a little – we finally got a maid service every other week), and feeds our 4 cats (2 from a shelter, 1 adopted from our vet who needed a home, and 1 a stray who came to our back door, New Years Eve 2007, during a blizzard) and Medicare’s 3 – 1 chews his fur and skin and makes himself bloody; 1 is an insulin dependent diabetic and has developed pancreatitis; and 1 has Irritable Bowel Disease. Our black kitty is healthy still! Thank the Goddess!
I pray to Bast to help me find the joy I can have, even in the shape I am in. I pray to her to keep my kitties going and that the meds will help, but to also alert me if it’s time to stop. I pray and pray and pray. I hear her speak to me, reminding me to look for certain things, be aware of the joy around me.
I’m trying. But it’s do so hard sometimes – most times these days. I am tired of the medications – the patches, the narcotics, the anti depressant. I am not who I was – never will be. The pain pills aren’t working very well anymore. I’ve been on Norco, Fentanyl patches, Dilaudid, Morphine. Tolerance. Sigh.
So I’m depressed. My world is my family room. I snapped at Jerry again tonight – he’s been sleeping on the love seat next to me couch. I snarled and sent him upstairs. And them sat down here and bawled for several hours.
I feel like I have turned away from me, my family, my god/desses. I miss me!!! And I’m tired of being a snarling, unhappy, critical of everything, in chronic pain bitch. This is no way to live. For anyone – man nor beast. I am making those around me as miserable as I am.
New antidepressant prescribed today. I’ll give it a try. But sometimes you have to step back and accept there are some things that no pill can cure.
My 30th wedding anniversary is in August, 2013. I hope I can make it. I hope I can hold on, or do I?! Sometimes I really don’t want to hold on. I need to turn to my religion with increased frequency – I have stepped back lately. Not consciously. Just unsure. Not of my god/desses and their place in my life. I’m just tired, I think, not sure of my place in the near future (because, with my poor health, I won’t be around in the distant future). I am a burden to those around me -MD visits, tests, frequent hospitalizations, mood swings which are wicked, not able to participate in any semblance if life.
Lady Bast, grant me your protection from bringing harm to myself…help me to try harder with the exercises and walking in the house…give me the strength when I am hurting to realize all things happen for a reason (please reveal that to me soon!!). Lady Bast, your presence in my life has been a comfort in a whirlwind if changes – you have remained stable in my life and reminding me that I too can have stability at some point. Lady Bast, if and when I leave this world and enter the Underworld or in the stars, take care if the kitties and husband I leave behind. I love them dearly and will see them all at Rainbow Bridge someday – of that I am sure! When my time here has come to an end, for whatever reason, Lady Bast, please check in on Jerry and the furbabies – Abbot, Hopey, Baby Girl and Shadow. Give them all a message of love from me and keep them comforted and stable,
Bright blessings, my Lady! Your presence in my life is truly a blessing. I serve you and the other Netjer.
Blessed Be! Peace, love and purrs

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